Are you looking for some funny status and quotes for Facebook that will get you a lot of likes? Whether you’re looking to make your friends laugh or just share a fun quote, we’ve compiled a list of 115 of the funny status and quotes for Facebook. From witty one-liners to wry observations, these funny quotes and statuses will help you stand out on Facebook and get the attention you deserve. So if you’re ready to get more likes, read on to find the perfect quote or status for your next post.
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Funny Status and Quotes for Facebook
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
- I don’t have the prettiest face for you to see or the skinniest waist for you to hold. But I do have the biggest heart to love you with.
- The only reason why 30 guys liked your picture is that they can see right down your shirt.
- Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the hell are you?
- I know what you’re doing right now… You’re reading on my wall, Right!
- My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.
- If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
- That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “Single” and your ex likes it.
- When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
- The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
- If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s spam.
- I might as well call you Google because you have everything that I am looking for.
- What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
- Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with a chance of tomorrow in the morning.
- Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
- If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
- I’d really post your name here every minute if Facebook keeps on asking me what’s on my mind.
- Delete me, Poke me, Like me, Limit me … The choice is yours … Welcome to Facebook, where no one is really your friend.
- I’m going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. The slogan will be: “Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!
- Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell? “Yep, gravity still works!”
- Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook. Not everyone wants to see you happy.
- Adding you as my friend doesn’t mean I like you, I did it just to increase my friend list.
- Long time ago I used to have a life until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
- Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
- Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m tripping? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
- 9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
- I want to make my name on Facebook ‘Nobody’. So when I see someone post something stupid I can like it, and it will say ‘Nobody Likes This’.
- If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
- I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared, you guys.
- A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
- I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
- Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors, and depression meet up for coffee.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- In modern politics, even the leader of the free world needs help from the sultan of Facebookistan.
- Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social network, not a diary.
- If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
Short Funny Status and Quotes for Facebook
- I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
- A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
- Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
- I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive Facebook Checking Disorder). I have also been told that I am beyond cure. Please pray for me.
- My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
- Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
- Facebook is asking, ‘What’s on your mind?’ but I think ‘Who’s on your mind?’ is a better question.
- You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.
- Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
- Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook.
- I’d rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook.
- I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
- Nerd flirting: I wish I could select all of your clothes and press delete.
- I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
- Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
- Oh, you’re popular on Facebook? That’s cool. I mean, these days it’s easy to have 1,500 friends that you’ve never met before.
- If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.
- Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
- An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
- I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Kiss me and you will see how important I am.
- The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
- People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.
- As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
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Funny Facebook Status and Captions
- I’m wondering why logging onto Facebook has become a part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do!
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- My ex-girlfriend’s status said suicidal and standing on the edge. So I poked her.
- Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.
- My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
- Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
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- I was s*exually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
- Travel the world until your Facebook’s check-ins finished!
- I think I’m gonna take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower but with me in it.
- I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
- You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
- I say, anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special like me to catch your heart.
- If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer…
- According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
- I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
- If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
- If you send me a friend request on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
- Facebook is kind of like a prison. You spend all day staring at walls and getting poked by people you don’t know.
- Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
- Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like!
- It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
- If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
- Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
- Facebook should have a “No One Cares” button.
- I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.
- I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.
- Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Your intelligence is my common sense.
- Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- The Poke option is okay, but when is Facebook going to come out with a Punch option?
- They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
- I always take life with a grain of salt …plus a slice of lemon …and a shot of tequila.
- Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
- First rule of Sundays: If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
- I won’t block you or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I am without you.
- Never challenge a guy to an arm-wrestling match who’s been single for more than 6 months.
- I’ve gone out to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please ask me to wait.
- If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
- I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
- I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
- If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me!
- Sometimes I wish life was like facebook, you can delete anyone off your page and go back and delete everything you have said and done!
- I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
- Facebook is like the prison, you write on walls and get poked by people you don’t know.
- Quitting Facebook is the new adult version of running away from home. We all know you’re doing it for attention and we all know that you’ll be back!
- The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil.
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